Amore No More
I would first of all like to thank my friend Chater a.k.a Chatterjee the "new kid on the blog".His last post plunged me into a melancholy of thoughts with nostalgic and reflective being the most prominent color themes.
Love, Liebe, Amore...whichever language it is spelled in.The only language it sounded was Greek to me.To be honest..maybe I will never really understood the depth of that word or what it really encapsulates.Maybe I never will.Maybe it is just a product of some chemical reactions in the brain genetically programmed so we can find a partner and breed.Infatuation, liking and loving somebody have all been stations that kept coming and going with a one way relationship of liking somebody finally stopping at the infatuation platform.I think I had my share of opportunities in all three categories.Maybe more so in the first category than the other two..Maybe those hormones running wild and nothing more.Maybe it is the same now.I also do remember being the object of somebody's affection but turning it down in a friendly way...again maybe I feared intimacy or to borrow from my friend's blog. The quote of the very non communist Groucho Marx - "I don’t want to belong to a club that will accept people like me as a member".Maybe life would have been very different if I had accepted her affection with me writing hosannas to "true love" rather than this blog entry.
But age has definitely been a major factor in determining the passion/intensity of those emotions or to channel them in a more controlled or milder stream.It has surely fucked my brains in more ways than one.That uncontrolled and almost puerile or idealistic( depends which way you want to see it) fascination or hope to find that ultimate person or special somebody has been tempered to find somebody "compatible"(a politically correct term to see if two people can live together for a fairly reasonable time without killing or divorcing each other and breed some progeny along the way).I don't visualize myself waiting at the bus stop, the stairs, coffee shop or library to just catch a glance or muster the courage to just open a conversation with that woman or girl I am crazy about.Write stupid poems,take part in contests just because she hosts them and walk miles to a bus stop and take a bus with a circuitous route so I get those extra bit of time everyday to see her.No.. that's not going to happen.
Now somewhere hovering between the practical/carnal and emotional aspects it will never be the same again.In fact the intensity and frequency of falling for some one itself has been tending to the limit of naught with maybe the fear of getting hurt.The fear of loss again..of drifting apart.Or the fear that familiarity will breed contempt.What if the love and happiness now is just a facade and when the curtain opens things will not be the same?..
Then again when after a long hiatus you again start talking with somebody and slowly without your knowledge you sail into the boat of liking somebody and the oars of desire make you feel as if you have almost reached that promised land of mutual love and affection and then you realize that the island you saw was just a mirage.Because that boat you took had a hole called reality which filled up the water of "practical decisions" that sunk it even before you could see it.
So the conundrum continues..and maybe the coward inside me lifts up the white flag and says "Amore No More.My world has no place for that"
Love, Liebe, Amore...whichever language it is spelled in.The only language it sounded was Greek to me.To be honest..maybe I will never really understood the depth of that word or what it really encapsulates.Maybe I never will.Maybe it is just a product of some chemical reactions in the brain genetically programmed so we can find a partner and breed.Infatuation, liking and loving somebody have all been stations that kept coming and going with a one way relationship of liking somebody finally stopping at the infatuation platform.I think I had my share of opportunities in all three categories.Maybe more so in the first category than the other two..Maybe those hormones running wild and nothing more.Maybe it is the same now.I also do remember being the object of somebody's affection but turning it down in a friendly way...again maybe I feared intimacy or to borrow from my friend's blog. The quote of the very non communist Groucho Marx - "I don’t want to belong to a club that will accept people like me as a member".Maybe life would have been very different if I had accepted her affection with me writing hosannas to "true love" rather than this blog entry.
But age has definitely been a major factor in determining the passion/intensity of those emotions or to channel them in a more controlled or milder stream.It has surely fucked my brains in more ways than one.That uncontrolled and almost puerile or idealistic( depends which way you want to see it) fascination or hope to find that ultimate person or special somebody has been tempered to find somebody "compatible"(a politically correct term to see if two people can live together for a fairly reasonable time without killing or divorcing each other and breed some progeny along the way).I don't visualize myself waiting at the bus stop, the stairs, coffee shop or library to just catch a glance or muster the courage to just open a conversation with that woman or girl I am crazy about.Write stupid poems,take part in contests just because she hosts them and walk miles to a bus stop and take a bus with a circuitous route so I get those extra bit of time everyday to see her.No.. that's not going to happen.
Now somewhere hovering between the practical/carnal and emotional aspects it will never be the same again.In fact the intensity and frequency of falling for some one itself has been tending to the limit of naught with maybe the fear of getting hurt.The fear of loss again..of drifting apart.Or the fear that familiarity will breed contempt.What if the love and happiness now is just a facade and when the curtain opens things will not be the same?..
Then again when after a long hiatus you again start talking with somebody and slowly without your knowledge you sail into the boat of liking somebody and the oars of desire make you feel as if you have almost reached that promised land of mutual love and affection and then you realize that the island you saw was just a mirage.Because that boat you took had a hole called reality which filled up the water of "practical decisions" that sunk it even before you could see it.
So the conundrum continues..and maybe the coward inside me lifts up the white flag and says "Amore No More.My world has no place for that"
posted by sudhir at
8:54 AM
3 Comments
